Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Part of the joy of being "connected" in the Entertainment Biz is the occasional viewing of a TV pilot or new movie at a press screening. Seeing Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones had nothing to do with my connections, though - - I managed to see the preview through the courtesy of a friend I've known since high school.

Enough of the yap-yap - - let's get down to the film.

"Clones" is NOT a movie for kids. It's VIOLENT, baby. REALLY violent. I mean, don't think about the Luke-gets-his-arm-chopped-off moment as violent - we're talking trampled bodies, stabbings, gorings, impalings, mothers dying in the arms of their children, close-up decapitations, and falls from high places resulting in cracked spines. How this film copped a "PG" rating baffles me. Bottom line: if you've got kids under 10, do NOT take them to this film.

Note: The rest of this review is SPOILER-laden. Although I'm leaving out some key pieces, I'm going to cover a lot of the story. Bail out NOW if you don't want to know. Okay?

The press screening wasn't in the long-promised digital format, so that was a disappointment. As the Fox fanfare faded away to the opening notes of the Star Wars theme, a wave of cheers erupted as the yellow letters of "Episode II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES" crawled up the screen. Even though it's expected, it's still odd seeing it up on the screen after hearing about the title for so long. The first surprise: instead of the typical pan-down after the title crawl, the camera moves UP instead, to an upside-down vista of Coruscant.

I could go into a shot-by-shot description at this point, but instead I'll talk about the characters...

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor): Too little time with Obi-Wan in this film, and he's the one with the most screen time. It's confusing - Obi-Wan's supposed to be a stern teacher, but he shifts between levity and grumpy Mr. Wilson-ish posturing towards Anakin.

Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen): I'm sure Hayden can act, but he seems to have adopted a voice that you'd use at a table read of the script. The character is about as well-developed as a Pinewood Derby car entered by a kid whose father doesn't love him.

Senator Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman): Surpasses Princess Leia's metal-bikini-slavegirl outfits in terms of impure-thought generation, but she's still marching through the script. There's no WAY you're going to believe these two characters are in love.

Count Dooku (Christopher Lee): Two all-too-brief bantering scenes with Obi-Wan and Yoda, and that's it. I want MORE Dooku! He does survive for Ep. III, so in the meantime we'll have to make do with the action figures.

Chancellor Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid): Gee, is it POSSIBLE that he's got some connection to Darth Sidious? Lucas is beating this phantom menace plotline into the seat cushions.

Jar-Jar Binks (Ahmed Best): Mercifully brief. Jar-Jar is fat with a limp now. Oh, and he innocently sets the wheels in motion for the Empire to begin. Sad news: he's still alive at the end.

Yoda (Frank Oz): He's all CGI now, and he is a total Jedi ninja! Picture the Tazmanian Devil with a lightsabre. It's Kung Fu City with this guy for a solid 5 minutes during the climax, so be prepared to supress your disbelieving guffaws.

R2-D2 (Kenny Baker): Is Kenny in there at all? Artoo gets a set of rocket legs for a brief scene through a droid factory, but other than that, he spends most of his time as a holographic answering machine. Oh, and he's very inept as a burglar alarm - - a couple of nasty centipedes sneak into Amidala's apartment to kill her and R2 pretty much sleeps through the whole attack.

C-3PO (Anthony Daniels): Is Mr. Daniels sick or something? 3PO's reedy voice sounds as wispy as Sterling Holloway trying to impersonate Edward Everett Horton.

Owen Lars (Joel Edgerton): This guy looks like, but doesn't sound like the Old Uncle Owen. Oh, and there is NO WAY Uncle Owen can't remember LIVING WITH 3PO for YEARS when he meets the droid in Episode 4. Lucas wrote a really bad story problem here, and it's going to be messy to resolve.

Aunt Beru (Bonnie Piesse): Wallpaper. I think she curtsies twice meeting people, but Beru doesn't even get to feed celery into a blender this time.

Shmi Skywalker Lars (Pernilla August): Shmi married Owen's dad (so THAT's why he's Uncle Owen) and got kidnapped by the Sand People. We get to see Shmi before she becomes a Shm-was.

Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson): An amazing ghost! No, I'm kidding, he's not in this film at all. Well, not visibly... listen carefully, though.

Boba Fett (Daniel Logan): No lines except stuff like "Great shot, Dad!" You'll dislike him instantly.

Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison): A Maori guy with a cockney accent. One great two-minute scene with Obi-Wan where they're saying one thing and talking around something completely different.

Zam Wessell (Leanna Walsman): A bounty hunter / shapeshifter. Another one of those trademark Great Characters Lucas Must Kill. She's around for 15 minutes, trying to kill Amidala, then Obi-Wan, then Anakin. As none of these folks get killed, she's obviously not a very good bounty hunter.

Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew): No, he's not in it either.

More to say, but I'm a bit exhausted. I'll finish this directly. Check back!

Is all this bothering you? E-mail me.